Trying to Trust. Trust What?

Income, livelihood, survival. And shelter.

It gets no more basic than that.

And both are once again “under assault.” Up for revision — and vision. Forced into upheaval, in terms of home, through no fault of my own and by forces greater than I. Others’ dictates yet again directing my life!

I’m so damn sick of it, I can’t even find the words!

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

I’m deeply worried about work. I am. A job opportunity {such as it was} — poof! — went away. On the first day that I was to train. Hell, I didn’t even get the apron on! The story’s not worth revisiting. Boils down to Corporate at its worst.

Still. It’s the only job offer in 11 months of dedicated looking & applying. Such the disaster, the American economy as destroyed by Obama & his Socialist-Marxist-liberal minions.

Home Sweet Changing Home

It’s old news that my lease wasn’t renewed. I don’t know why (though have my suspicions). And in Arizona, owners and landlords aren’t required to inform. They can kick you out if they don’t like the way you dress! Long as they give the required notice, you have no recourse.

I’m ticked off because I’m such a good tenant. Responsible, conscientious, verrrry clean and considerate of others. I treat any space as if it were my own with highest regard and respect.

On the other hand, I’m also thrilled to be leaving the neighbors above. The whole sounds situation has been hell for me from Day One, literally. For that reason, I’ve never *lived* here. But I’ve fled from here many many a time! 🙂

So What’s Next?

Who can say?! I’m focusing on what I want, not what I don’t want. This applies particularly to the next residence but employment as well.

I’ve a few key words / concepts that are my mantra for this next residence. I’ll be thrilled — joyful — if they come to pass! Time will tell and soon. I’m viewing a place tomorrow that comes available at the end of August — which coincides with when I need to be out.

I’m trying to trust. It’s not something I do (or do well). An exercise greater than any I’d find at the gym! Question is: When you’re trying to trust, what are you trusting? The universe? Spiritual forces of good? I dunno.

My simple prayer for today: May I move forward in grace and in the highest good for myself and all. Amen.


The path chosen too means the path not chosen

It’s 50-50. A toss-up. A coin toss. Either or. Six or one-half dozen of the other.

Whatever you call it, it’s a tough choice.

I have, as we speak, two options for a new residence. Each has its pros and cons, plusses and minuses, strengths and weak points.

Each is doable. Each is livable. And each is within reach. That is to say, as soon as I submit an application, it’s a close-to-certain if not certain green light.

I love having choices! There’s no question about that. Yet choices are demanding too. They demand that you know who you are, what you want in present time and sometimes where you want to go. They demand a certain level of self-awareness, truth-telling and realism.

The housing search has achieved its apex. The process is shifting from looking for a new place to moving. I feel it in my bones and gut.

Where do I want to live?

The studio (well, officially 1-bedroom) on the hill above the library?
Or the studio on the tree-lined street?

Excellent choices, each. Neither into the infinite future. But for present time, and on the occasion of a forced move by some not-very-nice people, more than doable.

Each time I weigh the pros and cons, I arrive at the same place: It’s equal.

Each time I call upon my reasoning, same answer: either.

Each time I palpate my heart for where she wants to go: either.

It’s about as balanced a choice as it could be! As true an either-or dynamic as it could be!

Thing is, I don’t have the luxury of hanging in limbo for long. Each place needs an application immediately to for the most part seal the deal. And one of the two needs an answer by 5 p.m. today. If it’s no, then the abode will be returned to the public pool.

Yikes! Talk about just a little pressure! hahaha

I’ll say that all things being equal, they’re REALLY not. There’s one element that weighs in favor of one place.

The lease.

It’s a 1-year lease at one place and a 6-month at the other. Normally, I think, most would favor the security of a year lease. No rent increases. Hard to kick someone out simply out of personal dislike (which has been the case at my current residence).

On the downside, a year lease means penalties if you want or need to move before the lease is up.

A 6-month lease — which is far more than anything I’ve had in the past 3 years!! — offers both breathing room and stability.

Again, it becomes nearly impossible to evict someone simply because another tenant or landlord doesn’t like you.

On the other hand, you’ve got some protection for stabilizing for six months, which in my book is quite a long time to live anywhere yet is not deep into infinity.

You’re safe for six months but not trapped.

I have a decision to make by 5 p.m. today. From this fork in the road, will I pick path A or path B?

Whatever the choice, my life is about to change considerably as I release my current abode and take up residence in an other.

In as little as a week, I could be waking up in a whole new space .. returning each evening to a whole new space … scrubbing a whole new kitchen and bathroom on my knees … looking out a window and seeing a whole different view than the wall of the next apartment building that I now see.

What will I do? Where will I go? In less than five hours, a life-altering decision shall be made.

But no pressure or anything. 😉

Days 2-4 in the Adventures of Move #52 (give or take)

And so the search for a new place rolls on.

Though my heart’s not in it, I’m looking at roommate shares — SHIVERS! — in addition to the far-preferred small single solo spaces. And an adventure it has certainly been!

Knock Knock

Who’s there?
Evidently no one.
It’s a room share, modified. The guy’s seeking two roommates for his apartment. One room, however, is off the main house. Got its own entrance, loft bed, closet and bathroom. Kitchen use is in the main house. It’s compromised solo living but affords some of the privacy I seek so worth the look-see.

Ring bell. Ring. No answer.
Call the dude.
“I’m sorry. I forgot.”
{That’s the second no-show in this search.}
Shit. Bummer. Oh well.
“We’ll reschedule,” I offer, then drive off to enjoy a gorgeous autumn afternoon.

Outcome: Still haven’t rescheduled and not sure why.

Clutter King

It’s the first thing you see entering his apartment. Stuff stuff stuff computer stuff office stuff music stuff stuff stuff and stuff stacked haphazardly on two giant dusty desks that nearly fill the living room.

It’s not just that it looks like a guy lives here — and that it does! It looks like a messy guy. A not-too-clean guy. By the looks of the living room and inside kitchen cabinets, it’s borderline hoarding.

No way is this gonna work or happen. Not the room (modern bland). Not the arrangement (three roommates). Not the boxes and boxes of papers and god knows what else that swell beyond the holding capacity of shelving at the front door.

Plus it smells unpleasant.

“Nice meeting you,” I say. Beyond the door, I practically fall into the clean fresh air. I feel suffocated in that place. Suffocated by stuff.

Outcome: It’s clear to any reader. And clear is how I like my space. 🙂

Pillars Please

Built in 1915, with its painted green brick and thick white pillars, the Pillars building displays an impressive solid stately handsomeness and singularity on the residential street lined with aged determined elms.

I love classic historical structures!

The studio reflects its 99 years with the wood flooring, high ceilings and ample built-in shelving in the kitchen. Definitely need a high ladder to reach the top shelves and curtain rods!

Also true to its era, the single closet’s skinny and somewhat deep. The tired walls could use fresh paint and the kitchen a deep cleaning.

Its got its charms for sure. Feels nice in here.

Drawback is its shower only. A huge drawback to this baths afficionada. I love ’em like the Japanese love ’em and in fact the baths — the sento (public baths) and onsen (hot springs) are among the few things I dearly miss in life in Japan.

The living space in the small studio would accommodate little more than a bed, table, chair or two, you get the picture. The natural light’s ok. It’s affordable and the thick brick walls afford some sense of space and boundaries from neighbors at side and above. I hate feeling crowded.

Plus I’ve been stung by current tenants and landlord who haven’t been nice. They’ve actually been kinda mean, bullying, unjust. Yeah, I’m still feeling the hurt and the anger.

Anyways, moving on:

Outcome: It doesn’t exude yeah! but it’s doable. Lack of a tub could be a dealbreaker. It’s a Maybe, a plan B, worth keeping in mind. I pick up an application and keep looking.

Woodya Couldya?

Cool. Totally dig the dark wooden exterior. Like coming home to a rustic mountain cabin. Though of course there’s nothing “cabin-y” about an apartment complex with 30 residents!

Two 1-bedrooms are available. Identical floor plans circa 1980. You know the look with the laminated countertops and cupboards, dated dishwasher, basic tub. Yey it’s got a tub!

First apartment is on the top floor. Sunlight pours into the bedroom — niiiiice! And beautiful tree nearby. But oh is that major thoroughfare, noisy! I stand and listen, listen, listen.

Could it be done, living here?

No. As a sounds-sensitive, I’ve tried that before and more than once, living along a busy noisy street. The answer was no then. It’s still no.

Plus the rent is just beyond my budget.

We move on to the second available apartment. Niiiiiiice too: the back sliding glass door opens into a woodsy area. The faint ripple of a creek can be heard when you stand quietly and listen.

The rest of the apartment is dark dark. But the nature outside the bedroom almost makes up for it.

The rent’s how much?! Considerably more than the other apartment even though their floor plans are identical. The woods at the back door bump up the price.

I find my way out through the front door and despite persistent efforts on the part of the landlord to get me to reconsider, the answer’s the same for both apartments.

Outcome: Wouldya couldya make the higher rent work? Uh-uh. But still dig that rustic cabin-y exterior!

The Waiting Game

Sooo excited to see this place!

An affordable small 1-bedroom that’s (a) on a hill — I loooooooooove the bird’s-eye views of houses on bluffs, hills, etc.

And (b) is smack behind the library! Literally! How cooooooool is that!!!

It’s 5 p.m. I wait for the property management lady to show up.

I wait and wait. And wait. Finally at 5:15 I call her cell. Voice mail.

“I’m here. Waiting. I know you had a really busy day. Please call and let me know whether you’re coming.”

I keep waiting. It’s cold so I move from the apartment into my car to wait.

It’s 5:25. No call and no show.

I call again. Voice mail again.

I leave a message informing that I waited 25 minutes and am leaving. I’m angry — at the no-show, yes, moreso the lack of a call.

I wash my hands of the mess. Ball’s in her court. If she wants to call, she can.

Voice message awaits me this morning. It’s her forthrightly and genuinely apologizing. She mans up with an explanation, no excuse.

That goes a long ways with me. Her apology accepted, we reschedule for this afternoon. When she promises that she’ll be there, I know she will.

PLUS, separately, one more viewing in a super-quirky location early this evening.

And so rolls on the search for my new place. It’s been all over the map in a way. On the other hand, traveler that I am, I like being all over the map.

Plus it’s really fun to see other places, be they repellently awash in clutter and dust or rendered unseen behind tightly-drawn blinds and a one-time no-show property management lady.

The right place is a-comin’. Sure as the sun rises and sets every day. Sure as that train whistle ’round the bend streams through the air. She’s a-chuggin’ her way into my life, my new place. After all this adventuring, I can hardly wait to see what that train’s is a-deliverin’!