Bolt Internet gives new meaning to slooooooo-mo

It’s been fun. Not.
It’s been real. A real pain in the ass.

Bolt Internet’s been bad.

Bad speeds averaging 0.81 megabits per second. Maxing out at 1.01 Mbps.

For context, say you’ve wanna download 100 pics.
At 50 Mbps, it’d take 56 seconds.
At 15 Mbps, 2 minutes 20 seconds
At 1.5 Mbps, 22 minutes.

At Bolt speeds of 0.81 or .90 or 1.00, well, who has the time — or patience — to sit around waitin’?

This morning, 4 o’clock, was Bolt at its best being bad.

First, 2-minute youtube clips stop loading. Or buffering so terribly badly as to be useless.

Then normal Web pages stop loading. None graphic-intensive, mind you, just your everyday page.

So I bop over to Wait wait wait for the site to load. Run a speed test. Wait wait wait as the page hangs.

Finally the results:

ping: 199 ms
download: 0.15 Mbps
upload: 0.42

That is baaad. Pathetic. Even for Bolt, which at its best limps along around:

ping: 23 ms
download: 1.00
upload: 0.25

Unable to get a damn page loaded, I shut the iPad and call it a night. I’d like to hear Bolt’s explanation. Because one of the favorite bs lines they feed the building manager is heavy internal traffic bogs down the system.

We’re a group of 19. Of those, some, fed up by the Bolt crawl, got their own Internet service. Others aren’t home or aren’t online. In reality, at peak times, there’s maybe five residents accessing the service. Yet Bolt continuously insists that “heavy traffic” is slowing the system.

Were that true, then what is everyone — all 19 — doing up at 4 a.m. surfing?!?! Because according to Bolt, that traffic’s the reason the service is so slow!!

I’ve given up the fight. By that, I mean the fight for honesty, fairness and truth-telling. Bolt is royally screwing my manager and his boss, charging some $75 a month for at 1.00 Mbps at best.

They’ll tell ya you’re getting 15. Their office equipment tells ’em so. If that be so, then come pay a visit and check out the fucking equipment! Prob’ly built of the same material of Fred Flintstone’s tires!

I’ve been doing beaucoup research, taking notes and recording speed tests at all times of day and night every day for the manager, who can take those records, those numbers, that evidence and take Bolt to task. He’s got a solid case.

Were it my call, I’d be dumping Bolt. Not only do the numbers not lie but the continuous stream of BS, excuses and sheer shoddiness is reason alone to bail. But then, I hold companies accountable and most don’t, which is why the baddies survive and thrive.

I’ve done my part on behalf of the manager and residents, who remark and complain about the slow speeds and unreliability. My work is completed. I fear Bolt’s going nowhere fast outta this building. {That’s an understatement!}

As of tomorrow, I’m bailing. Joining the residents who got their own Internet. Had to think long and hard for the added expense, weigh the cost benefits and decided it’s worth having basic Internet functionality and reliability and alleviation of stress.

And more importantly to be free of this headache, crap service and the BS stream. My standards and personal codes simply do not allow me to concede such poor service (0.15 Mbps, REALLY, Bolt?!) Not without a fight. And not without concerted efforts to resolve problems and improve matters (which I’ve made).

And not when there are other options. Fortunately there are. Cable One, here I come. Hasta maƱana.


Bolt Internet’s streaming all right — and it ain’t what you think

So I’m at the Wild Iris cafe. And the numbers that interest me aren’t at the cash register.

They’re these. Download speeds:

49.33 Mbps

Now compare those to these:

0.61 Mbps

Those, my friends, are the speeds, tested randomly through a day, of the ISP at my apartment building.

Bolt Internet.

Bolt. Not as in lightning quick — though by the name they’d like you to think that.

Bolt as in heavy inert metal. Goes nowhere. Dead.

I nearly fall outta my chair Wild Iris! At a download speed averaging 41.5 Mbps, I’m crusin’! Sailin’! Bookin’ it along the highway of cyberspace! I’m on the autobahn tootin’ the horn in joy, air blowin’ through my hair, the wind whistlin’ in my ears! I’m lovin’ it!

And the processor of the MacBook Pro makes it all possible. She’s built for speed, baby! Pages are loadin’ {snap! snap! snap!}. Images, bang! Boom! They’re there, whole, in all their wondrous retina beauty!

This is how the Internet is SUPPOSED to be! How a MacBook Pro is SUPPOSED to function!

Then …

THUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…..dddddd……..dddddd…..ddddd…dd ….

A cannon ball dropped into the Grand Canyon.

Bolt Internet at home.

Where the (download) speed averages 0.90 Mbps.

Note the decimal point’s placement. Doesn’t even hit 1.00 Mbps

Let’s see those averages again:

cafe: 41.5
Bolt: 0.90

Gee, wonder whether they’d cut me a part-time rental deal for solely laptop use.

Here’s what really and I mean REALLLLLY gets me fucking ticked off at Bolt. They promise speeds up to 5 Mbps. Big fucking whoop for starters. Like that’s a SELLING point?!

The average speed in Arizona is 34.43! Arizona, with all her open space and deserts and mountains and sparse populations STILL averages better than Bolt in populated Prescott in Yavapai County.

Yeah, my region’s got issues with a dearth of ISP options (which is undoubtedly the only reason Bolt remains in business). While I’ve got issues with Cable One and its big fat fucking zero customer service (prior post), Cable One remains the best, fastest and most reliable service available in this area.

5 Mpbs. C’mon, Bolt Internet, least get outta the 1990s! Average speed then: 1.00 Mbps. On goddamn DIAL-UP!!

That’s the best as you can do after, what, 15 years of technological advances?! 1 year in tech years = 300 in human.

Point is that Bolt promises speeds up to 5 Mbps … big fucking whoop … and that’s their top o’ the line premium tier! “The Lightning Plan” it’s called. Fastest plan they got. Up TO 5 Mbps! For $90 a month. Which, if I’m not mistaken, is what the apartment owner pays.

Well, Bolt, I got the numbers. Two pages going on three of speed tests at all hours of a day.

And you’re nowhere NEAR 5. You’d be so lucky to reach 2 Mbps! Highest you’ve ever achieved is 1.01 Mbps. Twice. Blips in a week.

I just wanna push my hands through the computer screen and wrap ’em around the neck of the loser who runs that and their techs’ too — if you’re “lucky” enough to reach one and then only during office hours M-F because as we all know, Internet service neeeeever goes out in off hours or weekends, oh no …

Those cursed Bolt “techies” who repeatedly feed my building manager and no doubt other customers a stream of BS about “tests performed” and “positive results” and “signal strength” and assorted techie lingo to obfuscate the truth about their gawd-awful service and “everything’s fine now and up and running” and yada yada yada yaaaaaaaadaaaaa yadddddadaaaaa…… {fade to black).

That’s the one streaming you CAN count on from Bolt: BS.

Bad Bolt Internet! Blasted Bad Bolt!

Some companies you just wanna strangle.

Bolt Internet.

In Prescott, Arizona. What a sorry lot of losers and BS artists.

I’ve the good fortune of living in an apartment building I love. No complaints about the landlord, fellow residents, location, apartment. I feel quite blessed and watched over from above to be here.

Unfortunately — let me emphasize — unfortunately, the building is wired with Bolt Internet.

I could launch into a tirade about the CRAP service — “service” that Bolt provides. About:

* Dropped signals: routine.
* Technical service: Laughable. Inept. Available only during business hours M-F.

What happens if it goes out on a Sunday? You’ll be staring at dried paint on your walls. You’ll get no one. I stand corrected. You WILL get a voice on the other end. An answering machine. Big fucking whoop.

* Their “tech” visits to address problems? Um, did you randomly pick Joe Public off the streets, slip him a $50, dress him in a Bolt Internet uniform, hand him an officially-looking laptop and instruct him on the lingo toward convincing a customer that all tests indicate the signal’s swell and … wait for it … “you should be sailing on the Internet now.”

BULLSHIT!! Bullshit, Bolt!! I’ve ample evidence to prove otherwise.

* Speed tests. Bolt Internet doesn’t want you to know — and they certainly won’t tell you! — that you can test download and upload speeds online.

Ookla’s is among the biggest and brightest of the bunch. It’s a handy user-friendly measuring tool to check whether your ISP is delivering the speed it claims … the speed … wait for it … that YOU are paying for.

My landlord pays some obscene amount of money — around $1,000 a year. So he’s in Bolt’s top third or fourth tier: Bolt’s Streaming Plus ($75/mo.) or Lightning plan ($90) at 3 Mbps or 5 Mbps, respectively.

I know, I know. Utterly ridiculous, those prices for basically dial-up speeds in the 1990’s! Can you pronounce greed and spell out s-c-a-m?

My landlord’s not techie and unfortunately he swallows Bolt’s BS bait every time.

So I’ve been running multiple speed tests at random times mornings, afternoons and nights and recording the results.

What’s alarming, though not a bit surprising, is that Bolt’s top download speed is … wait for it …


WOW! A speed like that could send the hat off your head sailing into the horizon, never to be worn again!!

Across all tests, Bolt has never exceeded 1 Mbps. And it rarely achieves that. It’s posted as low as 0.44 — I kid you not.

Bolt’s average download speed: 0.81 Mbps.


I keep telling my landlord: Bolt is crap. They’re taking you for a ride. He’s paying BIG bucks for 0.81 Mbps?!?! Speeds like that, you may as well walk your email over to your recipients.

0.81. Know the average download speed in Arizona? (There are sites that provide state-by-state averages too.) 34.43 Mbps.

And then there’s big Bolt with its piddly 0.81. Pathetic. Dirty rotten scoundrels for charging for it.

Bolt Internet, you should be ASHAMED. Ashamed to market yourselves as a “service” and to make false claims about speed. Ashamed to receive money for service that is unreliable, unsteady, subpar and ridiculously overpriced for the speed and services provided.

You’ve been found out by me and others. It’s my goal to spread the word out and warn people that what is promised is far, far from what is delivered.

“Bad” is hardly an apt descriptor. Abysmal. Dismal. Insufficient. Junky. Low-grade. Meager. Rotten. Shoddy. Take your pick, each applies.

Were it my call, I’d dump Bolt in half a heartbeat and switch to Cable One, which provides the best, fastest and most reliable Internet service available in the Prescott (AZ) region.

Unfortunately, my landlord’s techie ignorance work against him and all residents and in favor of Bolt. Bad Bolt. Blasted Bad Bolt.