When the going gets tough, the tough shut up.
Who said that? I did!
When I’m struggling, I don’t talk. Worse, I don’t write! Not even in my journal. A writer who stops writing is a distress signal. A red flag.
Where HAVE I been?! Not here, that’s for certain! Some place deep in isolation.
It’d sound more poetic if I could write “some place deep in contemplative silence. Like a monk.” There’s an aspect of that, true. But really, when I stop talking, writing, when I disappear, it’s not good. Or healthy.
I’m not here to wax reflective on essentially “going mute and why.” I’m here to share! To write. To speak. Yahoo! Shall I get to it?!
Wow of a Whirlwind!
How fast things can change! Might be changing!
August 11. In 20 days, I must be out of my space (a rental mobile home).
Fast backstory: the landlord and I had an argument. She didn’t renew my lease, up on Aug. 31. I appealed. She said no.
I must be out in three weeks. And I don’t know where I’m going!
Don’t know whether I’m staying in Prescott or leaving for Phoenix.
I don’t know whether I’m adding probably a dishwashing or food-service job — another menial low-pay Lame Crap Job (LCJ) to my life and resume — interviews today and tomorrow.
Or to be writing features full-time for a giant media company in metro Phoenix — 25 steps up in life, work, income, purposeful direction, self-esteem!
How do I, a person of scant faith — and working on it! — remain this calm? Zen in the eye of the storm?
Answer: Been there* done that before. Many many many times before. Since infancy.
*there = here … that = this
I’ve always lived in chaos, courtesy of mom and dad! On the verge of life collapse. In upheaval. Guttural upheaval. I don’t know security. Have never had it. Don’t know what it feels like.
What I do know is the world collapsing. Crumbling down into dust. And surviving.
Eye of the storm.
Tickticktick (Not that Insect)
Tickticktick sounds the clock. 20 days. No idea where I’m going! If I think about it, I might freak out! Is this Zen in the storm a self-defense? Denial?
Or is it my form of faith? That trust in Been There (Here) Done That (This) before — many MANY times before. Okay, all-my-life before! 🙂
I could easily put an astrological spin on this. And I might. I should. In another post. Even an article for an astrology magazine.
Not today though. Not now.
Needed today are two things:
- Packing. To include a major whittling down of things.
The things you own own you.
Who said that (originally)? Not I! Still Oh. So. True!
- Interview. Must take care not to get so focused and engrossed in packing — badly-needed task it be — to forget that I’m to be at a campus at 1 o’clock to meet a lady about a dishwashing job.
Be still my heart!
In a Nutshell
The truth, the gist of this overall situation:
I must move. Must be out precisely three weeks from now.
I must change homes whether I want to or not.
I am absolutely open to leaving Prescott, town that I love, that is “home.”
I’m more than open to a radical change in my life — in work, income, self-esteem! I’m desiring it!
I want to move because I want to grow.
I want to grow because my old ways — old habits, thinking, certain ways of living even — have become tiresome. Even to me! Who for better or worse — usually worse — likes to stubbornly cling to old ways for familiarity and a sense of security. A false sense of security.
Still, I like my comfort zones too much and to my detriment. Even when my comfort zones don’t like me! Even when they themselves want to be shed!
Now’s the time and here’s the place.
Who said that?! Why, I did!