I’m feeling feelings. And I don’t like it!

I know not what they’re doing except they’re doin’ sumthin’!

The new flowers remedies. Rather, botanicals. These essences are created from cacti, flowers from a tree, flowers from the ground.

To iterate from a post prior, these are new botanicals from two new (to me) companies. Bach flower essences are the most commonly known; I’ve used them plenty. It was time for change.

Receiving and Creativity are the foci for these alternative remedies. So new remedies, new companies AND new themes! That’s a lotta new! I’m ready to embark on this journey, wherever it leads, and, aware of its significance to record it.

In Day One, they’ve led to:

Emotions.

Locked-up & locked-down emotions. Long suppressed, oppressed and repressed emotions rooted in my early childhood.

Actually found myself crying last night! I make spectacular efforts not to cry. To stuff all tears, and emotions generally, into my stomach so no one knows of them. (You’d think I was a guy by the way I deal with my emotions, haha.)

I am a survivor who’s developed extraordinary skills and means to survive. Not crying is instrumental to that endeavor.

* Vivid Visuals.

Specific and clear memories of themes and incidences from my early school days (i.e., second grade!) and home life. Not one is a good, uplifting or joyful memory!

The ghosts of ghastly experiences are surfacing to be recognized, heard and healed. Not fun. But necessary if I’m to grow and heal. Which of course is the purpose of botanical remedies!

* Moodiness.

Heaviness. A palpable sense of life being weighty and I wearied by it and under that world on my shoulders and back.

Not new feelings and sensations. Not by a long shot! I am simply aware of them and observing.

* Tears.

Swallowed. Know I mentioned it already but there it is again. Like a giant glacier of long-frozen internalized emotions are undergoing heating by a handheld blow dryer. Certainly won’t be a rapid thaw!

I prefer not to feel than to feel. Or perhaps I’ve simply cultivated the habit after too many years of too many traumas and losses and have been forced to forget what normal flowing emotions are. A prospect worth considering as I move forward. Rather, as the botanical remedies move me forward.

* Sadness.

Spectacular sadness.

* Hunger.

For warmth.

* Resistance.

To warmth. Because it returns me to the primal coldness of my childhood mother.

For the human being, and within the human heart, what can grow in frigidity?

Definitely massive mother issues.

* Prayer.

I pray for support as I come face to face with the coldness. One tenuous step at a time.

I hope this journey gets easier as it and I within it go on.

I’m done on Day One of this particular Journey of the Flowers.

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