A is for Art.
B is for Blank. What I’m drawing today in terms of decisions.
C is for a Card from an oracle deck.
And the day, for the record, is Friday, June 19, 2015.
I won’t talk about it, except to my therapist.
Won’t write about it, except in my journal.
And I won’t forget it. That moment in the back conference room of a Fry’s store (parent company: Kroger) that shocked me, took me aback. It’s an experience, though it needs to remain untold, that has path-altering potential.
I have decisions to make. In this moment, as in all moments following this “development” yesterday, my task is not to make a decision but to process what happened.
I’m nowhere near that.
But I’m trying to get there.
To get there, I write in my journal.
To get there, I went to Walmart late last night to get thick poster paper and paints. Not watercolors or acrylics. Paints that can be use for fingerprinting.
Creative expression. Expression through art. Art is therapy. I’m no master with paints or pencil sketching or the like. The tool of my craft is a writing implement — a pen — and a writing surface. Usually paper but I’ve been known to write on the back of coasters, napkins, margins of magazines and newspapers, even skin! Anything that’ll accept a pen!
I’m also pretty comfortable with a camera.
Creative expression through other means, i.e., paints, crayons, pastels … it’s not that I can’t do those things. Not that I lack aptitude or ability or certainly an ability to learn. It’s that I’ve not really gone there … not since childhood anyways … for a lot of reasons that do not need to be aired here.
+ + +
Yes, I’ve decisions to make regarding Fry’s (Kroger).
But, because of the nature and particulars of yesterday’s occurrence, I can’t get there through thought alone. Linear thought, reason, logic .. these do not provide me the answers I seek.
I need to be right-brained about this. (right brain = creative spatial non-linear)
And I need to be in my heart. The decisions that I need to make in a short time need to be of my heart. I think I already know the answer but I’m not certain. Not certain enough or clear enough to affirm: “Yes, that’s the right decision and the right direction to go.”
A part of me is afraid to paint. Afraid to feel the feelings beneath the art.
I will do it when I feel ready. Lay out the paper and the paints, maybe light a candle or burn some incense. Put on some nice music and see where it all takes me.
I was going to do it early this afternoon but I need to be alone and for the next 1-2 hours, I’m not alone. My upstairs neighbor just came home on her lunch break. While I live alone “on paper,” I am NEVER alone in my studio when the damn fucking neighbors are there. Shitty thin floors. Can hear their every move. I h-a-t-e it! HATE it!
I am not wired for crowding like this or people in my space. I’m just not. Either they need to go (and they won’t) or I do.
So the art will have to wait until she gets the hell outta there and I can be alone.
First the job then the move.
So much for the post for the day. Suddenly I could use some uplifting so gonna pull a random card from my Mermaids & Dolphins oracle deck (in similar style to blogging buddy longeyesamurai’s card pulls that I always enjoy 😉 ):
Well, that’s interesting! During shuffling, this one verily jumped out and turned itself over!
“Spend time alone, meditating upon what you truly desire.”
(Coincidentally — or not — I was planning some solitude/away time this weekend … maybe even taking myself, paper and paints into a shaded nature area away from “home” because it’s a source of constant intrusions and stress. Seems I do know what I gotta do! 🙂 )