Saliva test sticks stick it to the cheaters

It got me thinking, yesterday’s drug screening by a saliva stick. In the back office inside a supermarket no less!

The perks are obvious. No picking up paperwork here and then driving across town to a dedicated lab. No long waits. No gallon of water before the big pee!

No rigid supervision or extreme measures and controls implemented, sadly, because too many people have created devious workarounds to drug-screenings by urine samples.

What I really like about the saliva stick is that it keeps the bad guys at bay.
Or reveals them as sneaks that they are.

Think about it. Unlike labs where you do your business in the privacy of a restroom, saliva testing requires nothing more than people seated in a room (of the employer’s choosing) … test kits … and an overseer attending to the process at every step.

An overseer who is honest and responsible. Not all are, granted, so there’s always that loophole … always an opening for the bad guys to prevail. However, for the sake of discussion, let’s presume the employer sincerely does not want to hire druggie employees.

The saliva stick testing, when conducted in a controlled environment overseen by a responsible authority, renders it impossible for a candidate to scam or cheat the system!

There’s no way you can sit there without a stick jutting from the mouth for the timed five minutes and not get noticed!

You can’t hand off your stick to your neighbor. “Double-sticking” … also obvious!

You can’t duck into another room and pull the equivalent of using someone else’s urine!

You can’t pour another’s saliva onto a stick.

And unless someone’s devised a tablet that you dissolve in your mouth prior to testing that changes the result from positive to negative, the saliva test is as failproof a screening device as can be. UNDER THE RIGHT AND RESPONSIBLE SUPERVISION.

All this got me thinking about more than the wonders of saliva sticks!

It got me thinking about a woman I used to work with some 10 years ago. A pint-sized woman of around 24.

Actually there were two; they were buddies. And members of the Bitch Brigade. (I’ve never been nor will ever be a card-carrying member.)

We cleaned houses. Thus we had a lot of together time as we drove from residence to residence in a little car that got great gas mileage! I was not liked by these women. Not a bit. They talked smack behind my back, the usual Bitch Brigade stuff. But then, I’ve never been liked by any brigade member.

I don’t remember this little woman’s name so let’s call her The Thief. Not an undeserved name.

Yes, while she (or they) waited for me in the car after a cleaning job, she accessed my wallet safe in the back seat (so I thought), reached in and stole my cash. I know it was her. She had that ambiance about her. An ambiance of dishonesty. Of sneak. (The other woman, while a sharp bitch on wheels, did not share those traits.)

There’s more.

In addition to stealing, The Thief was uber-concerned about an imminent drug screening. I don’t recall the circumstances; it was for an important application (for a school or program? – don’t quote me).

Her concern was obviously connected to her drug use (dope, possibly other substances). She went on and on during our car rides about these kits some friend had used and you could get online to cheat and circumvent the testing and how she was going to buy one.

Now, I’m far from prudish. Matter of fact, I’ve not a prudish bone in my body.

However, what I DO have is morality. Scruples. And a strong sense of decency, honesty and fair play.

As I recall, I left that job (good riddance!) before I learned the outcome of The Thief’s planned workaround. Well, workaround’s one word for it. I call it cheating. 🙂

So yesterday, as I sat with the others in that supermarket’s back room with saliva sticks “reading” our drug use (or not) like thermometers reading our temperatures, I couldn’t but think of that little woman with the big thieving heart.

She stole my money, yes — and I remember her well for it. It’s the first and only time a coworker’s stolen money from me.

Yet what I remember her for most is her scheming. Her conniving. Her willingness to research and buy, for her own selfish needs, some kit that would conceal her drug use.

I wonder what The Thief would’ve done yesterday … in that back room, presented with a saliva stick … with no workarounds or means to cheat.

Bet I know!

While we’re all sitting around with sticks protruding from our mouths and dutifully filling out paperwork, she reaches under the table and lifts wallets …

Yeah, she was a cleaner all right — and I don’t mean of houses!

I’ve sometimes wondered whatever came of The Thief. Unfortunately, I don’t have a TV so can’t watch “America’s 10 Most Wanted” to check. 😉


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