I had to defy my mother and my father and God — the greatest forces in our lives — to survive.
Each force attempted to destroy (or at the very least derail) me. My mother: By wishing I’d never been born and by throwing me into oblivion if she could have. My father: Not by such direct hatred but rather suffocating me under a dictatorial thumb. I know my father loved me. Just not … very well.
And where is God? He who helped not at all when I truly and dearly needed His presence.
God abandons. Just like the rest of ’em.
I love my father, as imperfect as he was. Between God and my mother, I’m not sure whom I hate more. Both have inflicted incredible damage and caused deep scar tissue in my lifetime by their abandonment. Both have Looked the Other Way in my deepest and truest hours of need. Both have said “FU, I don’t see you” when I’ve begged, pleaded and wept for them to listen and see me.
To whom do you turn when the person who’s supposed to love you (mother) hates you and God (the so-called omnipotent Creator, Protector and Loving Knower of All Things) looks the other way?
You turn to yourself.
When no one else shows up, you have but one person to whom you can go. One source. That is Y-O-U.
I’m sorry that God is so cruel as to abandon his own children and parents so fucked up as to procreate when they really have no business doing so.
I’m sorry that Life is so fucking hard and the individuals who most matter (those who “gave us life”) are so damaged and incapable of loving or parenting.
I’m sorry that I’ve been forced to do everything on my own. It’s an exhausting way to live. Correction: an exhausting way to survive.
And that’s all it really ever is. Surviving. Not Living. My parents taught me that. God showed me that.
How do you ever love a God who walked away from you? Just curious — to anyone who alleges that God is loving and protecting and watching over each and every one of us, no matter how destructive the traumas or horrific the abuses.
Just wondering. In this later hour of Wednesday, April 8, 2015. More than 58 years after I entered this world. And after a veritable lifetime of contemplations, consideration, study, prayer and dialogues with Him who’s supposedly listening, I’ve still no fucking answer to why our parents hate us or why our so-called loving God abandons us.
Good night. And God bless. Not by the God who abandons but rather the God that I would create for us all: He who loves and cares and truly helps and protects.