ahhhhhhhhhhh ………..

Tears flowed last night.

I do not cry often. Although I’m uniquely and extremely sensitive, I’m also a trooper. A survivor. A sensitive soul toughened up by life by necessity. A tender Pisces with the determination and doggedness of a Taurus — by necessity. After all, it wasn’t my sweet sensitive and empathetic Pisces nature that would enable me to survive harsh realities and brutalities and more begun in infancy. It was my persistence and perseverance and warrior of Mars/Taurus and Pluto/Scorpio.

Tears flowed not for one reason but many. The stress of my home is a big one. A very big one. Perhaps even the biggest. The neighbors above who are so thoughtless and careless as to stomp all over my space and me in it without a flicker of awareness of or concern for the human being who is on the other side of their brash, loud, constant and invasive behaviors.

(Not to say that they’re unaware that there are people living below them. They are. They’ve been just so very swept up in themselves that all others cease to exist.)

The tears flowed because I am exhausted by them, the continual and persisting invasion … of THEIR energy IN. MY. SPACE. Space that in fact I do not have. Sure, yes, I pay for this space. I rent it monthly. Yet this space has never been mine. Has not had opportunity to be — or become — mine. The upstairs neighbors are just that obnoxious, self-absorbed, full of themselves that others cease to exist.

I am dealing with this pattern and I am stopping this pattern by healing this pattern. The hard, nee most painful, part of the process, is that only by becoming AWARE of the problem and REALLY feeling it again can the resolving and healing occur.

Writing an informational letter to the landlord as PART of the resolving/healing process is among the best things I’ve done this year! {update: I don’t know that it’s been read, the landlord’s extremely busy; there’s been no acknowledgement as yet.}

It doesn’t REPLACE my inner work toward transformation and movement away from people who invade and violate. That continues. Speaking up enhances the process. Empowers me. Gives me a voice that otherwise is suppressed and oppressed, ignored and disregarded by greater powers than I (i.e. powerful noisy tenants above).

The tears flowed because I’m hurting. I’m in pain for various reasons and from various sources. I shared my feelings with a (support) group last night. And I received support, by comments or hugs, from some members. I’m not accustomed to support. I’m not accustomed to individuals being on my side. When a few people really heard my pain with the neighbors and said I’d done the right thing by writing to the landlord, I nearly fell out of my chair! I was so touched, so moved … the tears fell even more!

It was a good night, last night. A beautiful night. Because the tears flowed. Because I spoke from my heart articulately and eloquently. Because it was a good meeting. Because of the delicious meal that followed. Because when I got home at 10 p.m. (delaying returning home until then because that’s about when the noisy neighbors go to bed M-F), the apartment was quiet. Their apartment. Which means my apartment.

The quietude was glorious, the silence golden, truly. I could live with this peace! In this! And be happy! Tearfully joyful, eternally grateful for the peace that overcometh all dissent and noise!

Bliss, baby! Bliss.

Ahhhhhhhh ………
zen peace

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