What a Dope, Line 19 in the Lease!

By the looks of my apartment this morning, you’d think I’m toking up.

doortowel

But the real reason is this:

diffuser

That’s right. A diffuser. A simple contraption combining water scented with an essential oil heated by a tea light candle.

Here’s the story.

Incense is banned in the building. It’s actually written in the lease. I discovered this after unknowingly burning a stick of cheap incense that because it’s cheap releases a pervasive and marked strong scent.

Shortly thereafter, the landlord appeared at my door asking whether I’d been burning incense. Because I’m such an honest person and rotten liar, I answered yes. That’s when I learned that the lease bans burning incense. “Line 19, right above where you signed,” he told me.

He’s right, as I discovered when I reviewed my copy.

That same cursed Line 19 states that in addition to incense, there will be “no burning of candles anything {sic} that would create smoke damage to paint and carpet.”

Here’s where it gets Stupid. Plain Stupid.

No candles. Because evidently I’m too stupid, we’re all too stupid, to figure out that you do not set a flame close to a painted white wall.

Now, I’m no Stephen Hawking with an IQ of 200 but I do well for myself. I’m far, far from stupid. Was a straight-A student back in high school when education was education, not this liberal-designed socialist mind-control pablum of today. Was highly educated in universities. Scholarships and awards for academic and journalistic achievements.

Studied five languages to some degree or other, including our own. Have traveled the country and parts of the world (not enough) by myself. Lived and worked in a very foreign culture (Japan) for some 10 years. Negotiated and managed problems and had experiences that most people couldn’t dream of. Been through Hell in life and survived it with no help from anyone and am finding my way back to the Light step by step.

And I can’t fucking figure out how not to place a burning flame near a painted white wall? WTF?!

Stupid. I hate Stupid.

Back to the story.

Upon learning of the incense ban, which sadly meant no burning of sage either, I had to sadly pack up my supply (not all of it cheap incense by ANY means, most of it’s quality subtle Japanese incense) and seek an alternative. Scents in the home are important to me. They’re who I am and what I enjoy.

Enter the diffuser.

A perfect solution. No smoke. No risk of damaging walls or carpet unless a tea light is is unwedged from its tight container by mysterious and unreal laws of physics and sears the carpet and p.s. I’m bright enough o figure out how not to let that happen!

So why the towel at the door like I’m toking up and based on this Stupidity I’m gonna need to!

A. Scent. A subtle scent of lemongrass or eucalyptus or any other MIGHT be detected by a passing tenant. Granted, that’s paranoia mostly if not entirely on my part. But in life I cannot be too careful. Safety in numbers, they say. For me, that’s not been the case. Their numbers have made mincemeat of my innards. I could write story after story after story of how groups or “people in numbers” have gutted my life and/or very nearly me, especially in the places of work and home.

So I take no chances or, more precisely, I seek to armor myself from their attacks even when it means going into hiding and burying my light beneath a rock. People are dangerous.

B. The detection of even the subtlest waft of a scent by a resident could lead to a complaint to the landlord.

Because, you see, he told me during the “incense incident” that no only is incense banned but there’s a resident with “respiratory problems.” No idea what that really means. Point is, there’s someone among the some 19 living here with respiratory problems.

The odds of scents from any of our apartments triggering an asthma attack or whatever of a passing resident are slim to none. Still, this IS the New America and the New America is run by whiners, weaklings and opportunists licking their chops at lawsuits and big bucks for the most inane slight unimaginable.

End result: I’ve got to make sure that NO scent of an “incense nature” is detected by a passing landlord or potentially complaining resident.

3. And there’s this.

The lease reads no candles or anything that could damage walls or carpets. While a tea light in a diffuser has ZERO potential In My World of Intelligence, either the landlord (not the brightest bulb in the room) or building owner could be a stickler and point to that cursed line 19.

Somehow, the landlord or a resident might put 2 ‘n’ 2 together. As in detect a scent, realize it’s not burning incense and realize the source could only be a diffuser with an illegal candle!

True, the odds of that kind of detective work are pretty slim. But you cannot be too careful in this world of dangerous people!

And since I NEED no more problems in this apartment with the loud TV man and wrist-rapping on the incense and overall close proximity of neighbors that means problems could develop at any moment for the most insane or trivial matter, I take the precaution of a towel wedged under the door.

Because god forbid the landlord discovers I’m burning a tea light!!

Or the resident with the respiratory issue passes my door and {cough} detects a wave of a mild scent {cough cough} of eucalyptus — which ironically is healing for breathing issues — and reports me.

How will I explain to the landlord that I was burning the forbidden tea light candle SAFELY under a bowl containing 1/4 cup of water to bring a pleasing scent to the room since stick incense is not allowed?

Yeah, honest to god, that remote island far far from people and Stupidity somewheres in the Caribbean burns brightly evermore!

And oh yeah, like I said, no tokin’ happenin’ despite the “telltale towel.” After my first cuppa coffee, however, I did go straight to my preferred stress reliever, no towel at the door required:

pint

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