Bolt Internet’s streaming all right — and it ain’t what you think

So I’m at the Wild Iris cafe. And the numbers that interest me aren’t at the cash register.

They’re these. Download speeds:

49.33 Mbps
39.21
46.50
38.82
42.62
32.69

Now compare those to these:

0.61 Mbps
0.98
0.93
1.00
0.63
0.89

Those, my friends, are the speeds, tested randomly through a day, of the ISP at my apartment building.

Bolt Internet.

Bolt. Not as in lightning quick — though by the name they’d like you to think that.

Bolt as in heavy inert metal. Goes nowhere. Dead.

I nearly fall outta my chair Wild Iris! At a download speed averaging 41.5 Mbps, I’m crusin’! Sailin’! Bookin’ it along the highway of cyberspace! I’m on the autobahn tootin’ the horn in joy, air blowin’ through my hair, the wind whistlin’ in my ears! I’m lovin’ it!

And the processor of the MacBook Pro makes it all possible. She’s built for speed, baby! Pages are loadin’ {snap! snap! snap!}. Images, bang! Boom! They’re there, whole, in all their wondrous retina beauty!

This is how the Internet is SUPPOSED to be! How a MacBook Pro is SUPPOSED to function!

Then …

THUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…..dddddd……..dddddd…..ddddd…dd ….

A cannon ball dropped into the Grand Canyon.

Bolt Internet at home.

Where the (download) speed averages 0.90 Mbps.

Note the decimal point’s placement. Doesn’t even hit 1.00 Mbps

Let’s see those averages again:

cafe: 41.5
Bolt: 0.90

Gee, wonder whether they’d cut me a part-time rental deal for solely laptop use.

Here’s what really and I mean REALLLLLY gets me fucking ticked off at Bolt. They promise speeds up to 5 Mbps. Big fucking whoop for starters. Like that’s a SELLING point?!

The average speed in Arizona is 34.43! Arizona, with all her open space and deserts and mountains and sparse populations STILL averages better than Bolt in populated Prescott in Yavapai County.

Yeah, my region’s got issues with a dearth of ISP options (which is undoubtedly the only reason Bolt remains in business). While I’ve got issues with Cable One and its big fat fucking zero customer service (prior post), Cable One remains the best, fastest and most reliable service available in this area.

5 Mpbs. C’mon, Bolt Internet, least get outta the 1990s! Average speed then: 1.00 Mbps. On goddamn DIAL-UP!!

That’s the best as you can do after, what, 15 years of technological advances?! 1 year in tech years = 300 in human.

Point is that Bolt promises speeds up to 5 Mbps … big fucking whoop … and that’s their top o’ the line premium tier! “The Lightning Plan” it’s called. Fastest plan they got. Up TO 5 Mbps! For $90 a month. Which, if I’m not mistaken, is what the apartment owner pays.

Well, Bolt, I got the numbers. Two pages going on three of speed tests at all hours of a day.

And you’re nowhere NEAR 5. You’d be so lucky to reach 2 Mbps! Highest you’ve ever achieved is 1.01 Mbps. Twice. Blips in a week.

I just wanna push my hands through the computer screen and wrap ’em around the neck of the loser who runs that and their techs’ too — if you’re “lucky” enough to reach one and then only during office hours M-F because as we all know, Internet service neeeeever goes out in off hours or weekends, oh no …

Those cursed Bolt “techies” who repeatedly feed my building manager and no doubt other customers a stream of BS about “tests performed” and “positive results” and “signal strength” and assorted techie lingo to obfuscate the truth about their gawd-awful service and “everything’s fine now and up and running” and yada yada yada yaaaaaaaadaaaaa yadddddadaaaaa…… {fade to black).

That’s the one streaming you CAN count on from Bolt: BS.

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