Holy headboard, Batman! Foiled again!
Once ah-gain, I’m awakened out of a dead sleep in the wee hours by the TV. The volume was at a level of the faucet’s slow drip in the background. Drip … drip … drip … drip. A low yet audible sound that worms its way into the brain. It’s a subversive irritation and annoyance. Like the single mosquito in the room that flits in and out around you and won’t leave you alone. It’s more annoying than being bombarded by the entire troop!
The TV for the second day in a row pulling me out of deep REM!! It “wouldn’t be so bad” were I in a healthy and rested state.
BUT I AM NOT! I’m dealing with serious health issues, profound fatigue, nine months of constant sleep deprivation (a result of pain & injury), cumulative exhaustion from the all-brawn-no-brain job that just ended.
Simply, I do not have the inner reserves to cope with or endure this continuing thread of sleep disruption OR the TV as alarm clock!!!
My roommate, the early bird, likes to watch the TV first thing in the morning. The TV is right outside my bedroom. That’d be less of a problem were it not for the fact that she turns on the TV, watches for a bit and then leaves the room. With the TV still on!
Now, that alone challenges and counters my practice of not wasting, of conserving resources. Examples: When I leave a room and won’t immediately return, I turn off the lights. If I’m not watching the TV, I turn it off. When I was a kid, my dad was a REAL stickler for that. Beyond that training, however, I’m like that. It’s wasteful to leave on lights or televisions when they’re not in use.
Now, I’m in such a chronic state of depletion, distress and exhaustion, poor health and fatigue that there’s NO place in me that can grant an allowance to the roommate, whose behavior IS the cause and reason for lost sleep in these circumstances.
J. is a very hard person to live with. She’s demanding, controlling and a poor listener. She’s loud, bossy and unfair. Inconsiderate, argumentative and unyielding when really some yielding would make EVERYONE’S life easier.
To live with her has required of me (and the third roommate) submission and silence. We cannot win the battle or the war. I’ve needed to not only compromise my needs but bury them, disregard them and pretend them out of existence to live with J. and “keep the peace.”
But this … this impact on my health and sleep … it cannot stand for it. I cannot grant her or anyone license to destroy what little “well-being” I do have and FIGHT to have against forces that would and do negate it.
Approaching J. on ANYTHING that matters to you or involves your needs is scary BECAUSE she is argumentative, disregarding, unfair, etc. — essentially the above-mentioned traits.
But pain and illness and exhaustion make you do things you wouldn’t normally do. They make you fight for your life. And so this morning I swallowed my fear and broached the topic of the TV waking me out of a dead sleep and could she please keep the volume down and turn it off when she leaves the room so that it won’t drone on and on.
I was genuinely surprised that she didn’t yell at me, shoot me down or argue. I guess that she knows enough about the exhaustion of my job (just lost) to have some sympathy.
Whether she really heard me in the request will be revealed tomorrow and the day after and the day after that.
It’s so sad that it takes only crumbs of consideration (on the part of the roommate or anyone else, really) to feel like I hit a mini-jackpot! I really am accustomed to being TOTALLY disregarded and treated like a POS due to my childhood. Sigh. History like that is hard to resolve.
That’s it for now. I was gonna hit the streets with job applications and resumes today but I’m just too damn tired. I need sleep and I need it now! I need quiet and I needed it nine months ago!
Were $ no object, I’d go check into a motel for some sleep and solitude. Sans TV!