the morning sea drift

About every morning, when I first awaken, as I’m floating in that nebulous and etheric state between fully conscious and slumbering, my mind scans for the events of the day and overall state of affairs. A subterranean survey of the landscape, you could say. The sea drift. Like floating on the vast ocean of one’s mind.

Is there something to look forward to? Any changes or new developments amid the routines? Concerns? Worries? Commitments or engagements or interviews? Is it my last day of my workweek? Things of that nature.

Frequently the answer’s that returned is “same ol’ same ol'” — well, maybe not in those exact words! Would like to think that my life isn’t as drab as all that!

This morning arose that semi-unconscious niggling of something different. Like having a dog’s tail brush you across the face.

Oh yeah. Now I recall. Yesterday was the meeting at the radio station. In a couple days, my life could change radically. Boom! Just like that. A positive change. A new direction. A fresh path. It could happen just that quickly!

We among the living are not immune to changes, neither ones that rapid. People encounter life-changing occurrences every day.

Some are positive or desired. Finding out you’re pregnant. A blessed restoration of health. Being saved by unseen forces from a life-threatening situation like a car accident. Winning the lottery. Getting into the college of one’s dreams. Being awarded scholarships or various honors.

Some are negative or undesired. Finding out you’re pregnant. Taking suddenly ill. Having a stroke. Being in the wrong place in a street bombing. Not being awarded the scholarship that’s your sole ticket outta your town. Losing a loved one — or a child — to forces outside your control.

The joys and successes and the sufferings and tragedies are the stuff of life.

Learning to cope with them — hell, learning just to survive them! — too are the stuff of life.

GROWING through them, now that’s another matter! A challenge and task of a high order unto itself.

I can claim to be an A+ student — indeed a master — at survival. Learning to cope, getting through … I’m at the top of the class there too.

I cannot claim to be an A student in the category of growing. Embracing real growth of the most significant sort — internal growth — is hard for me. This in spite of WHOPPING and often unforeseen or unsought sea changes that’ve marked my life all my life.

I’m stubborn when I don’t have to be, strong-minded when I ought not be and incredibly determined. I get in my own way for 100 different reasons. And oh yeah, a hearty serving up of self-sabotage anyone?

Not sure where I’m going with this. I had no destination in mind when I seated myself Indian-style on the bed with my coffee for my morning post. Gotta roll off to the job now and thus bring this to a close.

The point, I suppose, if there’s a central one to be found here is self-awareness. Gaining self-awareness and attaining inner growth are possible. It’s hard work and slow, to be sure. And in my case harder than it need be … which I bring upon myself.

Sometimes just talking about what you’re learning is reason to write. Adios now.

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