migraines, depression and the wonder of Bigfoot

Which came first, the chicken or the egg, these migraines or the depression?

Something happens in my brain that switches off everything but the autonomic system during my migraines and severe headaches, which after a decent period of absence have recently returned — with a vengence.

There’s no discernable trigger or cause. These severe headaches and migraines just descend, sometimes with warning, i.e., auras in the case of migraines.

Other times, I can feel fine and dandy one day and then the next day, WHAAAAAM! As if 200 vises were strapped around my head during the night.

Then there’s the depression.

The process is similar, not identical. My brain activity comes to a sudden halt. As if it has emptied itself but it hasn’t. That would be too Zen and peaceful.

It’s as if you’re driving along a country road on a sunny afternoon. Then suddenly out of nowhere, you hit a dead end and the sky turns pitch black. Your car loses its headlights and all electrical power.

You cannot see and even if you hazard to turn the wheel this way and that to find the way out, everything’s turned wonky.

Turning the wheel to the right may lead you to the left … or turning it to the left leads you to the left … or the right … straight ahead or even backward. There’s no rhyme or reason or way out. You’re trapped, perpetually and irrevocably trapped at the dead end in total darkness.

And oh the pain and the pressure inside your skull … like a million rubber bands tightly binding every inch … like the heat of a burning forest … like every door and window of your house slammed shut, blocking out all life and all light and confining you inside an intense pressure cooker …

And by the way, there’s no cell phone reception at that aforementioned dark dead end — as if that needed to be said. (And it did for our cell phones-addicted culture.)

= = =

I don’t know what brings on the depression that shuts everything, in particular language, verbal and written aptitudes and healthy reasoning processes, out and down and entraps me in that inescapable dead end. Neither do I know what brings on these horrible headaches and migraines.

Whether it be a chemical transformation, altered functions of synapses or unconscious deep-seated stresses, worries and fears that render me a soulless and joyless fairly brain-dead shell (that’s how it feels anyhow), there may be a thread linking two separate phenomenon. If that’s the case, hell if I know what it is.

Not much more to add save that these headaches and migraines hurt like hell.

And when the depression hits, it flatlines me. Depression slams me so very very hard to the ground holds me in such a suffocatingly tight lock of mind & body that it’s all I can do to keep breathing. Just keep breathing, even when it’s painful.

Just breathe.
No air inside this water.
Just breathe.
No air holes through this dirt.
Just breathe.
Until the raptor of depression eases and releases my head from its nail-sharp talons.

as for the migraines, the headaches … i just don’t know why they come or what makes them go away and thus their healing solution remains the elusive wonder of the monstrous Bigfoot. While he may or may not exist, I assure these headaches do and for their elusive explanation and devastation are more frightening than that Big Beast.

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