Once ‘n’ for all: Size Matters.

I’ve slept around.

Not in the way you’re thinking. Err, actually … no, not going there. Sorry to disappoint. I mean sleeping around as in mattresses. Have a listen:

1. Average budget motel mattresses
2. Single waterbed
3. Feather pad atop a single crap mattress
4. Super-firm king-sized mattress
5. Fold-out couch futon on the floor
6. Double firm comfy mattress

Oh the variety! Just in my 18 months in Colorado, one year and THOUSANDS of driving miles ago!

Since then, the list has only expanded:

7. Uber-firm Tempurpedic
8. CRAP CRAP cheap soft mattresses “fixed” — hahahahahahhahahahah! — by plywood. Note to all: IT DOES NOT WORK!!
9. Nice real beds in various friends’ homes
10. Dirt
11. Back seat of Subaru
12. Cargo space in my Subaru.*

*Great cars but not designed for big people! Or petite folks like myself as far as slumber.

That’s a lot of sleeping around in a coupla years. Sure, variety’s the spice of life. In catching some winks, not so much.

P.S. I’ve not had a bed since July 2011 for reasons much too lengthy for a post. A book, maybe …

I’ve paid the price sleeping around. And I do not mean inheriting an STD. I mean — and I say this in all humility — I’ve lost months of shut-eye, slumbered poorly if at all and suffered structural and nerve injuries and chronic pain as a result of a bad bed that are still not healed.

So when I moved into this rental room last week, I’d hoped the bed would be “lucky.” {take that as you will}

On the contrary. It was cousin to the bed I’d left behind in my last rental, that one in the same CRAP SOFT CHEAP mattresses that was the cause of injury and demise.

Here’s a myth-buster. A BAD SOFT CHEAP MATTRESSES CANNOT BE FIXED. Plywood under the mattress: USELESS.

If it’s firmer you seek, you’re better off putting plywood ON TOP OF THE MATTRESS. Which is exactly I “rectified” (not!) that particular nightmarish scenario.

Yes, I slept on TOP OF PLYWOOD — with only a thin self-inflating camp pad separating me and the rock-hard surface — for months. Because the alternative was crippling.

So when I discovered this latest mattress was as bad as the last, I bailed. Like the next morning. Dismantled the entire beast — bedding, full-sized mattress, box springs, frame, headboard — leaned them against a wall and oh so elegantly disguised them with a sheet.

Perhaps my new roommate whom I’d known for all of 10 hours, thought I was nuts but this I’ve learned: People’s opinions of you DO NOT MATTER when you’ve got a bad back … misaligned vertebrae … structural problems… nerve damage. You fight tooth and nail to save your back.

So I pulled out my trusty cot.

If you’re a camper, you know the one.

It’s the device that beats sleeping on the stone-cold ground AND gives you precisely 24 inches, or 60.96 cm, from side to side to stretch and turn. Not an inch or the metric equivalent more.

Like I said, I’m petite. I weigh the equivalent of one thigh of your typical modern obese American.

I fold up easily origami-style without complaint. And I take up minimal space.

But some things are too small or restrictive even for this origami girl.

Airplane seats in cargo. Shit, I mean coach, why do I keep saying that?!

City bus seats. I don’t like a stranger’s alcohol breath in my ear. Unless he or she is super cute. And is NOT on a cell phone. TOTAL turnoff!

Camping cots. They’re dandy short term to get off the ground. As a weeks-that-turn-into-months form of sleeping, nooooot so much.

If you’ve read this far, congrats! This lengthy explanation is necessary to convey the context and therefore EXCITEMENT at my news:

I am GETTING A BED!!! After three long years, I shall have a room bed of my own!

And by bed, I mean a new camping cot. Because size DOES matter.

It’s not a replica of the sliver I now “sleep” on. And a fine sliver it is.

The cot’s 80 inches (203 cm) long — a lotta space wasted for my 5 feet 2.

It’s the WIDTH that sealed the deal. 40 inches (101 cm)!!! 40 GLORIOUS MIND-BLOWING inches!!! {take that as you will, you freaks!} Well, minus a few for the side bars so realistically more like 36-38-ish.

Imagine! Just a figure of speech. I really don’t want y’all total strangers imagining me under the covers. I’ll be able to move ‘n’ stretch ‘n’ roll from side to side rather than sleep stiff as a board and flip on a sliver!

My new bed is to arrive next week; I’m sure to post on it. In the meantime, I’ll be dreaming sweet dreams of my future Teton XXL sports cot!

And hopefully putting a period on this era of sleeping around. Not in the way you think …

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