a page from the flow

The past few days haven’t been easy.

For starters, I’ve still not secured a room to rent after one week of looking. (This trip, in fact, is dedicated to that sole purpose.)

I’m using craigslist, which for better and worse is the primary, in most cases only, way to find rental spaces/roommates anymore. In the big picture, I’ve encountered people who’ve responded (in mails), then seemingly dropped off the face of the earth … people who haven’t responded at all … people who’ve promised they’ll respond then don’t … people who say they want to meet you and are a step away from inviting you over, then disappearing … people  who change their minds (like the guy who emailed me when I was en route saying “don’t bother coming over, I’ve decided to move”). People who make promises and don’t deliver. People who fail to carry through on their words. People who just don’t bother to show up.

In case ya wondered why I’m a misanthrope!

But the worst of them all, the very worst, I cannot write about. I will not write about it. No. I cannot. The encounter and experience (both by email, not in person, THANK GOODNESS!) have deeply disturbed me. Truly. It’s not only because it’s the first time I’ve encountered and dealt with a person … of this nature, shall we shall. I’m an old, old, old soul who’s lived through a LOT in this single lifetime alone. I’ve dealt with ***all kinds of people.***

This one, however, is different. (Not in a good way whatsoever.) S/he is a deeply disturbed, twisted and sick individual. And I had the misfortune of encountering it, albeit at a distance. Though the encounter is passed and never to be again, it leaves me on me this profound need to take a shower.

Not only a water shower. A light shower.

By writing this, I see now that that is exactly what I need to do, should do and will do. The seductive sickness of this individual, the disease of his/her mind and the not-close encounter (fortunately) are startling. And, again, deeply disturbing.

How I did not see it from Moment 1 bothers me; I’m not lacking in astute observation and perception by a long shot! I did, however, come to see it quickly — quickly enough, certainly — by Moment 3. So my radar remains alert and fully functioning.

There are individuals who are so twisted and that adept, slick and immersed in their sick twisted games that one, they’ve no idea of what honest relating is or how to do it. Moreover, they inflict their damage and ruin on others — sometimes to such an extreme extent and depth that the victim does not or cannot recover.

I was nowhere near that degree of risk. What bothers me is that I got pulled in even an inkling and only for a few moments. “I should’ve known better.” Yet how?! I did nothing wrong. The red flags sprang forth into conscious awareness rapidly. So why am I getting down on myself rather than cleansing myself of the natural revulsion that this individual rightfully and justifiably elicits?

I’m reminded of a recent experience, also via writing/email, with a BlogTalkRadio host that required intervention by BlogTalkRadio. While the experiences themselves are quite different, what they share is this sense of violation of goodwill. My goodwill. My “trust” {NOT the right word} that these two individuals, though I knew them only through cyberspace exchanges, were not out to do harm.

But each was. Each had intent, in some form or another, to do harm. To violate if not the sanctity of another’s personhood directly, then to satisfy his/her own sick (might I say also sadistic) needs.

That kind of person repels me. And frightens me to the extent that I don’t understand it. I do not understand the diseased sick twisted mind of a game-player. A Sick and Twisted Siren, assuming the individual is in fact female. I can’t wrap my mind around the motivation of an individual whose purpose and intent are to damage and do harm for personal gratification. I do not get it.

Clearly I need to process out this experience with this individual and cleanse myself of its residue with a shower of water and shower of light. I am grateful not to be of a sick and twisted mind. I am grateful not to be so deranged (or at least not in that way, haha, moment of levity) as to want or need to pull others into that self-created pit. I am grateful for my clarity of thought, my sound reasoning of mind and my intelligence.

I am grateful to be me, washed over, cleansed and protected by the Light, and safe from the seductive and skillful lure of that sick twisted personality. I am grateful to be me, in touch with reality, kind and good and giving of compassion to others and to my self.

There it is … a page of reflection, of processing, a page from the flow …


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